Hi my name is Susan and I live in Palm Beach Gardens, FL. I am a
forty-eight year old mother to my seventeen-year old daughter. I am also twice
widowed to cancer. In 2004 my husband Peter was diagnosed with acute leukemia,
our daughter was ten. He was in five hospitals around the country and then died
eleven months later on February 14, 2005.
I married again to Paul in 2008. Seventeen months later on
February 23, 2010 he died of colon cancer spread to the lungs and bones. My
daughter was sixteen.
“Life is what happens when you’re busy making plans” should be my
bumper sticker, if I liked bumper
stickers. I am writing on this fantastic cancer website because I know how it
is to be a full time and overtime caregiver. I know of the silent fear,
exhaustion, frustration and isolation. I know what it is like to discover
strength you never imagined you harbored and for a second you’re proud of
yourself but wish it was put to use for something much happier. I know what it is like to look at my drug
filled thin spouse and not remember who he was before cancer. I know what it is
like to wonder what the hell my family talked about before cancer. I know what
is like to juggle the roles of spouse, parent, nurse, cheerleader and somehow
now cancer expert all at the same time. I also know what it is like when you
drop one or sometimes all the roles...breakdowns happen! They happened to
me. I also know what it is like to want
to scream at the next person who tells you how strong you are just when you
want to be taken care of yourself.
In my experience as a caregiver I felt there was no one to talk
to and nowhere to go where I would be understood. I believe if we connect to
others going through the same pain and suffering then our individual story
becomes part of a much larger story. We have each other to listen to, help
accept our feelings and let them move through us and make space for the new
ones. The new feelings can also include courage, compassion for strangers and
gratitude. The heart gets very heavy when pain and fear keep building up and
are never released. I went to one weekly support group in Seattle when my first
husband was there for a bone marrow transplant. I savored that one-hour where
by sharing; my heart seemed a bit lighter. By listening to others, I learned
new insights and ways of coping. I discovered humor is a beautiful release and
I didn’t have to feel guilty about cracking a smile when my husband was so
sick.
In my marriages the cancer won the battle, but in so many more
cases it does not. No matter what it is, a disease that affects the whole
family, the patient gets treated for the bad cells and is nurtured for being
ill. I believe the family needs to be nurtured as well. I raised my daughter from a girl to young women during these very
trying years. I learned a good thing for her was for me to let others help.
Receiving can be tricky so I try to remember that a load is much lighter when
we all lend a hand. Again we can lighten each other’s hearts when we are able
to give and receive, when we share. My daughter is doing beautifully. She
misses her Dad everyday of course but I taught her when he was terminally ill
that the physical relationship ends, bodies die, but the spiritual relationship
is eternal. We talk to him all the time.
So I would treasure the opportunity to hear from others who are
going through their care giving experience to listen to your stories and be
honest with each other about all the layers of living with cancer. Diagnosis,
treatments, emotions, finances, intimacy, children and learning to smile
politely through the stupid things people find to say but mean well. To tell
you how I handled life in the cancer world and life out side it. To me they
were two very different places and I struggled greatly on finding a place in my
heart I could live peacefully in both at the same time.
I long to offer that lightness I felt in my one support group in
Seattle. This website can bring us together, not in the same room but in the
same story full unique and precious chapters.
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